Loss At Christmas

Nothing is harder than a loss during the holidays except maybe the first holiday without your loved one. I was at the funeral home last night, my son-in-law's grandmother died on Sunday, and watched all the people interact with each other and cope with the feeling of loss....of course last night it was still fresh and they really had not had time to deal with the empty place the death of their loved one will leave. As I stood beside my daughter I was carried back many years ago...43 to be exact....to a time when I was a child standing there...and we were going through these same motions over the death of my younger brother. It was so hard. As a child of 9 I truly did not understand all the emptiness his death would leave. It was like a huge gaping hole...and that hole has been there ever since. Every time I look at my parents I wonder....what are they thinking...the only son my father has now...is the one I call my husband. The strange thing about that is...Frank is my brother's age. Do my parent's ever think about that? I have a time or two. I have wondered many times what my life would have been like if he were still here. I have thought long and hard about choices I made...would I have made different ones. We are all products of our upbringing...and our baggage...so without that piece of baggage...how different would my life have been? These questions used to drive me crazy....but when my daughter Kathryn was born...the questions kind of faded away....you see...things happen in life for a reason...and if they don't happen....then you are not who you are....you will be someone else. It has been a long hard road to become who I am. I like myself...I like my life....I love my family....I love what I do...I love singing...but...here it is Christmas time again....and I feel a void coming on. Sigh! Mr. Jones will have a void this year....his mother will not be with him anymore. Oh he will have all his memories of his childhood....and his life since he became an adult....but there will be no more momma hugs. Brian, my son-in-law...will not have a grandmother to visit this year...but you know...I have learned...life goes ....and life goes on. We truly are all part of a bigger plan. Mrs. Jones went peacefully in her sleep. That is what I want to do...just go to sleep and never wake up...and if that is God's plan for me....that is how it will happen. I wish Brian and his family much love....and a sense of peace during this holiday season....I know Mrs. Jones will be sorely missed....but we all know she is in a much better place....God Bless You All This Holiday Season! K