Isaiah 6:8

8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

Saturday, October 17, 2009

A State of Emptiness....

It has been a week since I posted anything on my blog. I have had nothing to give you...so much has happened. Sunday, after the funeral, when most everyone had gone back home I knew it was time to return my mom to the nursing home. She was beginning to look confused and disoriented. So, Frank and I loaded her up, went by the cemetary, and took her to the Dadeville Healthcare Center...that is when all hell broke loose. The thing I was dreading most came to fruition and my mom snapped. I was going to bury my father...and lose my mother...on the same day. This is a child's worst nightmare. When we got to the Center...she refused to stay...she shoved me out of her way (and when I looked in her eyes I realized she had no clue who I was), kicked my daughter, and took a swing at Frank. The nursing home was not capable of dealing with her like this...so we called in re-enforcements...Mary and Judy came...and spent the night with her. The doctor was coming to see her in the morning...and we were going to try and get her in a Psych ward somewhere. I sat outside the nursing home and cried....physically sick at my stomach...I had promised my dad I would take care of her...and now this was happening. Frank joined me on the curb...and I cried with him. We both agreed that counseling was something we needed to pursue. This whole adventure, from the missing parents to this was more than we could handle. After Judy and Mary arrived...we returned to my house....and slept wearily. Monday morning we got up and Barry and Joyce went to sit with my mom until the sitters could be arranged. Kat, Brian, and I went to see the doctor. He believed that she was a threat to herself and others and truly needed to be in a psych ward. They were all called....and there were no openings. We went home....worked around the house...and waited for a call. The call came at 5. We then had 2 hours to get her to Brookwood in Birmingham. Kat, Brian and Susan went to get my mom and bring her to Brookwood. Frank, Joyce and I went to Brookwood to give them my guardianship papers. We got there about 30 minutes ahead of them and made some arrangements. They arrived shortly after that and my mom was brought in....she was heavily medicated so she would be compliable. Once we had her set...now 9:00...we all left and headed back. On Tuesday, Susan and I went back to Brookwood to take her glasses to her. Susan went in and saw her...and she wanted Susan to take her home. She kept insisting that nothing was wrong with her...and she could not understand why she was there. Weds. the social worker, Kelly called and said my mom seemed to be doing fine and she might get to go back to Dadeville on Friday after the Doctor evaluated her on Thursday...On Thursday morning I got a call from my mom...she beligerently asked me to come and get her...even after I explained that I was sick...she ended her end of the conversation with, "If you don't come and get me....I will just walk home." I told her to do what she felt she needed to do. An hour or so later I called the social worker and she told me my mom would NOT be coming home on Friday...she had tried to get out of the unit and had taken a swing at the tech when he tried to stop her. I was actually relieved...and thought...wow...if I had known my not coming to get her would help her get the help she needed I would have done it on Tuesday. Friday rolled around and she called me and demanded I come and get her again. She said the doctor had said nothing was wrong with her and she could go home. I asked if there was someone there who could give me directions...and she gave me nurse, Shannon. Shannon said not to worry...she would not be coming home...the doctor had not said that...and that she was still trying to elope(escape). Kelly called later in the day and confirmed that it would be no earlier than Tuesday and that she would go back to the Dadeville Healthcare Center...via ambulance. She would not be able to come home...because she wanders. She would have to be in a locked down unit for her own protection. So here I sit...it is Saturday again...it has been a week since my dad died...and was buried...and I would love to have my mom wrap her arms around me and tell me it is going to be alright...but you know...it isn't going to be alright. My mom is gone and the woman inhabiting her body at the moment is a stranger...my best friend Susan left for Knoxville a few hours ago...and I am alone for the first time since my dad died...and struggling with this. Keep us in your prayers...my mom, my daughter, my sweet Frank, and me...death is a bitter pill to swallow...dementia...even more so. God Bless You all...and hug someone you love tonight and let them know you love them.

7 comments:

Mid-Atlantic Martha said...

I'm so sorry -- This is a really tough time for you and your family -- but I can tell you are a strong woman of faith. It's good to hear from you even when nothing seems to be good right now. Take care.

Mary said...

My heart aches for you pain. Death can be unbearable, but to also see the person you loved & respected for so many year, disappear into someone that doesn't recoginize you can be utter torture.
You are a beautiful daughter of God, who is always there wrapping his arms around you!! Sending lots of love & hugs your way. You are an amazing woman & will be stronger and able to help others better after all is said and done.

Beverly @ The Buzz said...

I am so sorry for all the loss you've suffered in the past few days. I hope writing about your pain helps to alleviate it somewhat. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

lagirl said...

I haven't been blogging much lately and am just now reading your past couple of posts...I am sorry for your loss, but happy that your Dad "went home" in his sleep. We know he is pain-free and happy at this very moment. You will miss him but knowing he is with God will bring your comfort...It seems the most painful of your situation is seeing your mom in such a state. I would think the med's will help when they are properly regulated. My Dad was an alz patient for many years so I understand your troubling situation with your Mom. It is certainly a LOT to deal with all at one time. I am sad for you but so glad you have Frank and others that love you and provide your support system. Blogging is such a healthy release. I hope you'll keep us posted as to your Mom. . .Time will be your friend in dealing with the loss of your Dad. My Dad's been gone almost 3 years and the passing of time has helped to heal the hurt and leave me with mostly happy memories. It is still a struggle to remember him as healthy and to let go of the "sick" man images of him near his death. Let's vow to remember our Father's in thier happy, healthy state. I'm sure that's what they would want. (((HUGS))) to you, Friend.

Edie Marie's Attic said...

Dear Karen,

Thank you for your words of comfort. You are so sweet to think of our loss when it is you that has lost both parents this week.

My prayers will be with you Karen! I understand a bit of your pain. I lost my sweet darling Dad 35yrs ago, I still cry over losing him. My Mom has dementia and is in a nursing home & having mini strokes. She still knows my brother & me. She hasn't become violent but tries to "elope" now and is very strong for a tiny 94yr old woman when they try to take her back in the home. I can't imagine what hell you must be going through with your mom being so... well mean. There I said it for you. God bless you Karen for hanging in there.

If you ever need to vent please feel free to email me. What you say to me stays only with me.

I'm hugging you right now! Sherry

Queenie Jeannie said...

I don't have any inspiring words of comfort, but I have tons of hugs and prayers and you are welcome to both!!! I can't imagine how hard this is for you and your family, but I know that somehow you will all make it through the shadows.

Kelly said...

You are incredibly brave and I will pray God will give you all the strength you need.