Who is the Mother Here?

Yesterday, I blogged a great upbeat, feel good post about my mom's friendship quilt...I was so proud of it.  I checked my emails several times during the day...hoping someone would comment.  My feelings were a bit dashed when there were no comments made on my post....then I thought....whatever...I didn't blog it for someone to read. anyways..I blogged it for my own mental health.  I needed a feel good moment yesterday because Monday I got a phone call from a local lawyer.  She told me that she had the papers ready for me to sign....noooo...I am not getting a divorce.  I am taking custody of my mother....legally.  This process started back in October.  It is what month?  You got it...it is mid-July and we are finally at a point...where the ball is rolling.  Frank and I were going to Alex City anyways to see my mom so we just detoured through Dadeville to the lawyers office.  I signed a set of legal documents that left me feeling sick and weary.  Signing these papers meant that my mother and the nursing home administrator will be served one day this week.  Remember my mom?  She is the one in a dementia unit at a nursing home.  The the courts will appoint a lawyer for her(he will go and visit her) and then a court date will be set.  I have been out of school since June 1st.  When will court be....oh....the first week I go back to school...talk about lousy timing....so I will have to take time off to go to the Probate Judges office...along with the lawyers, the nursing home administrator...and the judge will read the statements...ask some questions...and declare me my mothers keeper.  After signing the papers, Frank and I headed back to Rock Mills....and I cried.  I cried for many reasons.  I cried because this is not right.  It is not right that my mother is now my child.  I cried because the woman who was my mother does not exist much anymore.  I cried because I am scared...I am scared that one day...this could be me.....but then I thought...NO!  Wait!  This will not ever be me...because I am not as stubborn as my mom....and I will make sure my children are on my checking accounts and know where the important papers are.  I have already told my daughter....if you see me keeping Pizza boxes...put me in a nursing home.  We found a car title...in a PIZZA BOX!  I am a bit angry at myself....obviously my mother's dementia had been there longer than I knew.  I feel like I let her down.  I wish I could tell her how sorry I am....but she would not remember.  She remembers less and less.  A whole plethera of emotions flooded my soul yesterday....but then it clicked...I needed to forwarn the nursing home that this was coming....so I called them as soon as I got home.  The nursing home administrator assured me that they do this all the time...piece of cake.  I also asked her to let me know when they served my mom....so I would not go waltzing in to see her...and have her go ballistic on me.  She assured me again....that that would not happen...but that she would call when the process server came.  Whew!  I can imagine that scenario.  U-G-L-Y!  I thought when my children left home...that that form of mothering was over.  I did not have empty nest syndrome...nope...I enjoyed every moment of my new found freedom.  Now....I find myself once again in the caregiver mode.  I don't have to take care of her 24/7...but I am still in charge of her.  Sigh!  I hate dementia!  One of my friends asked me the other day if I was ok...she said I looked so sad.  Then she asked if Frank and I were having problems.  FRANK AND I HAVING PROBLEMS????  That is the least of my worries.  Frank loves me enough to deal with my mom with me.  This man has earned his crown and jewels in heaven...believe me.  Nope...I told my friend.  I am sad....I am sad...because all of a sudden....I don't know who the mother is here.  The roles have been reversed....and no one asked me if I wanted to play.  Believe me...if they had...I would have said a resounding....NO!