Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Who is the Mother Here?
Yesterday, I blogged a great upbeat, feel good post about my mom's friendship quilt...I was so proud of it. I checked my emails several times during the day...hoping someone would comment. My feelings were a bit dashed when there were no comments made on my post....then I thought....whatever...I didn't blog it for someone to read. anyways..I blogged it for my own mental health. I needed a feel good moment yesterday because Monday I got a phone call from a local lawyer. She told me that she had the papers ready for me to sign....noooo...I am not getting a divorce. I am taking custody of my mother....legally. This process started back in October. It is what month? You got it...it is mid-July and we are finally at a point...where the ball is rolling. Frank and I were going to Alex City anyways to see my mom so we just detoured through Dadeville to the lawyers office. I signed a set of legal documents that left me feeling sick and weary. Signing these papers meant that my mother and the nursing home administrator will be served one day this week. Remember my mom? She is the one in a dementia unit at a nursing home. The the courts will appoint a lawyer for her(he will go and visit her) and then a court date will be set. I have been out of school since June 1st. When will court be....oh....the first week I go back to school...talk about lousy timing....so I will have to take time off to go to the Probate Judges office...along with the lawyers, the nursing home administrator...and the judge will read the statements...ask some questions...and declare me my mothers keeper. After signing the papers, Frank and I headed back to Rock Mills....and I cried. I cried for many reasons. I cried because this is not right. It is not right that my mother is now my child. I cried because the woman who was my mother does not exist much anymore. I cried because I am scared...I am scared that one day...this could be me.....but then I thought...NO! Wait! This will not ever be me...because I am not as stubborn as my mom....and I will make sure my children are on my checking accounts and know where the important papers are. I have already told my daughter....if you see me keeping Pizza boxes...put me in a nursing home. We found a car title...in a PIZZA BOX! I am a bit angry at myself....obviously my mother's dementia had been there longer than I knew. I feel like I let her down. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am....but she would not remember. She remembers less and less. A whole plethera of emotions flooded my soul yesterday....but then it clicked...I needed to forwarn the nursing home that this was coming....so I called them as soon as I got home. The nursing home administrator assured me that they do this all the time...piece of cake. I also asked her to let me know when they served my mom....so I would not go waltzing in to see her...and have her go ballistic on me. She assured me again....that that would not happen...but that she would call when the process server came. Whew! I can imagine that scenario. U-G-L-Y! I thought when my children left home...that that form of mothering was over. I did not have empty nest syndrome...nope...I enjoyed every moment of my new found freedom. Now....I find myself once again in the caregiver mode. I don't have to take care of her 24/7...but I am still in charge of her. Sigh! I hate dementia! One of my friends asked me the other day if I was ok...she said I looked so sad. Then she asked if Frank and I were having problems. FRANK AND I HAVING PROBLEMS???? That is the least of my worries. Frank loves me enough to deal with my mom with me. This man has earned his crown and jewels in heaven...believe me. Nope...I told my friend. I am sad....I am sad...because all of a sudden....I don't know who the mother is here. The roles have been reversed....and no one asked me if I wanted to play. Believe me...if they had...I would have said a resounding....NO!
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6 comments:
Karen, I am so sorry...I've been in your shoes. Long story short, both of my parents had to be placed in a nursing home when they were in their early sixties--and I had to be in charge. It's hard. Both died within 8 years--8 long years. I had 3 young children to try to raise during those 8 years.
Flash forward to now--13 years after my my last parent passed. Kids are all grown, but now we are dealing with my mother-in-law who is now 88. No nursing home at the moment, but she's had two pin strokes since November, in addition to a regular stroke in 1985...we are walking on egg shells each and every day. If my youngest son didn't live with her, she'd be in a home.
I will remember you in my prayers cause I understand where you are in life.
I love your quilt, too. What a wonderful piece of history. I'm glad that it didn't get messed up. I have a couple of very old quilts of my grandmother's, but they have seen their better days. They were well used before I inherited them--but I love them anyway.
I just love your blog, and look forward to your posts. I've had a lot of drama going on in our family this week, so I ran a little bit behind with my blog reading--otherwise I would've commented yesterday.
I have to comment here under my 2nd blog(MiMi's Mini Tales) because comments won't let me use word press, but my main blog is "Reflections by Kathy" at http://www.edshunnybunny.wordpress.com Come and visit me sometime, I'd love it!
(BIG HEAVY SIGH)
What a heavy load you are carrying. I know lots of people deal with this sort of thing, but it's totally different when you're the ONE dealing with it. My Mom is 81 and in good health, Thank God. She would NEVER dream of signing anything over to my sister or me. She won't even give us the code for her security system. Go figure. I hope I'm never in the place where you are. So glad you've got your strong Frank to lean on. Also, you KNOW in your heart that you are doing what must be done for your Mom's best interest. Big, Big, (((HUGS))) for you, Friend!!
I just found your comment on my main blog. Thanks for visiting! You and your family will definately be in my prayers. The girl with cancer is my youngest son's girlfriend, and future wife. We would definately appreciate your prayers. It's nice to "meet" you, by the way--I'm from southeastern GA, near Statesboro.
Being a burden to my family is one of my greatest fears!! It is so trying to see the people we knew disappear into confusion and frustration!
Dear Karen,
Just as you, I hate dementia too. I just came back from seeing my mom this weekend, she's been moved to the advanced building in the nursing home that cares for her. It's an excellent facility. I see less and less of her each time. My heart aches for her to be the person she was even 5 yrs ago. But that's long gone. My mom was not the active person in her later yrs that she should have been. She didn't keep her mind active. I have tried to be different. That's all I can do to try to ward of this evil thing.
It was about 15 yrs ago I remember my mom being frightened when we had to board an airplane and she grabbed my hand like there was no tomorrow. She didn't let go for 3 days, holding my hand almost constantly. I knew then she was no longer my mother... after crying for days I fastened my seatbelt because I knew it was gonna be a bumpy ride!
My prayers are with you dear one and my tears join with yours for our loss.
Much love, Sherry
My heart hurts for you, Karen. I cannot imagine how difficult this was. I know you have been dreading this day for many long days, weeks, and months. At least this part of the process is almost over. {{{HUGS}}}
Have FUN on your trip to Mee-sha-gen. :)
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