Daddy and What Would Have Been Chemo Number 6.

Well...today would have been chemo number 6 and instead I am going to the radiation oncologists office at 3:00 to learn our fate. Since my dad came home from the hospital, where he missed chemo's 4 and 5, he appears to have deteriorated rapidly. He is in bed by 4, does not eat supper, does not eat much of anything, looks like a P.O.W. and makes me want to cry. This is not my father. My father is a vibrant man. He is funny, a great storteller, a wonderful dancer, a fabulous father, a loving man, a good friend, a Christian....and this man that is living in my house right now...in what was my father's body is none of the above. This man is sad, he does not talk anymore, he hasn't danced in over a year, he is still a loving man....it just takes a lot out of him for him to give love.....and he has not been to church in I can't remember when. I don't remember my father missing church much as a child....it just was not accepted....but now...I don't think he even remembers what it is....or where it is. Frank and I were talking the other day and he told me that there may come a time when I will have to tell my dad it is ok to give it up....that I will take care of my mom....and it is ok to say goodbye and let go. I cried while he talked....I don't want to let him go.....but I don't want him this way either...so today....at 3:00 when we gather at Dr. Jahraus's office....I will find out what God has in store for me, for my dad, and my family. Pray for us. I don't think my dad can do this anymore. I don't want him to suffer. I love this man...but sometimes quality of life is better than quantity.

Chemo Day 3

Chemo Day 3 wasn't. It did not happen. It was a wash! We did not have a good weekend. By Friday my dad looked like a concentration camp refugee. His eyes were slowly sinking back into his head. He never complained....except to say he was tired. On Saturday....he did not eat much....and went to bed for a nap...at 3. He was still not awake on Sunday morning when I left for church at 7:30. When I got home on Sunday I had some exciting news for him....my cousin Sherry was coming to see him. I just knew that would be a good pick me up....but instead...he was grumpy....because he wanted to go to bed....at 12:45. Sherry arrived at 2...and he DID seem to perk up some. She stayed about an hour....and then my friend Mary came over and we did some video tape footage of my dad. He was very charming as he told his stories and sang his little song - (It is actually Little Jimmy Dickens song)....but my dad has modified to fit his life and everyone who hears it loves it. The song he sings is called "Ole Cold Tater." He actually enjoyed himself for the next couple of hours and then....at 6....it was over, he was in the bed and sound asleep. When I left for school on Monday at 6:45...he was not up. Monday evening was not much better....he looked so tired.....and was in bed again before 7. Today was chemo day....but it could not happen. His creotins were too high and his blood count was too low.....and to top that off....the chemotherapist is gone! I put a call in to the radiologist oncologist and he explained our problem. There is no other chemo man here....so now my dad will have to take chemo somewhere else. Tears began falling....and selfishly....I teach school....here....I had an arrangement with my boss...to go to chemo and relieve my mom....and not have to miss days from class....anywhere else...and I have to take a day off. I am an only child. Dr. Jahraus recommended Trinity...in B'ham. I asked him if we could not consider East Alabama...and Dr. Graves group. He said he would put in a call to her tomorrow....but we missed a chemo treatment....so what now? Well...we now have to meet with Dr. Graves group....if they can fit us in....and work from there....basically start over....Radiation continues each day here in Alexander City....and that too adds a potential problem...Radiation is 5 days a week....and if we have to go out of town....we have to schedule chemo around radiation treatments...in another town....and the circle continues. I felt so useless today. I can't fix this. I can't make it work out. I had to sit down on my porch, have a good cry, and give it over to God.....so Here it is God! Do what you will with this mess....as always....you are constantly cleaning up mess in my life. Thank you for loving me and my family. Amen!

Chemo Day 2

Good morning to all. Today is chemo day 2 and I am nervous once again about how my dad will feel. Both he and my Aunt Shirley took chemo on Tuesday of last week. My dad seemed fine all week. I actually even found some of his short term memory alive and kicking again. He remembered several things I never dreamed he would pull out....whoooo hoooo! Anyways, day two is dawning very bright, crisp, and cold. I made the decision to let my mom (Miss Antsy) take him and stay with him.....and then I will go out during my planning period for a while and relieve her. I learned last week that there is no need for two of us to just sit there. The nurses at the chemo dept. made me leave my cell phone number....they obviously know my mom. If this works then I can save some days out. I hate to miss school so much. It makes me feel like I am letting the kids down on their learning. Spanish substitutes in our system don't exist....so when I am out it is videos with worksheets or busy work. Sigh....wish me luck....hopefully today will go well.

Chemotherapy Day One

See the handsome white haired man sitting at my dining room table. That man is very special to me. He is my father. The white hair has been there since he was 40....and no, I was not THAT bad a child. He comes from a family of premature grayers. I am 54 and my hair is nearly as white as his. Well, today we had our first round of chemotherapy.....this handsome man has cancer. I went with my mom and him today so I could see if she could handle this without me having to take days off from work. Small problem, my mom does not sit still....we sat reading for about an hour...and then she began to fidget....so while she ran errands and piddled around in town....and I sat and watched the carboplatin and the taxateer drip into my dad's port. He looked so peaceful sitting in his recliner....sleeping.....his gentle face......I occassionally reached out and stroked it only to watch him stir slightly in slumber. I love this man. I wish I could do this for him....but I know I cannot. This is one path he must walk alone. I can cheer him on from the sidelines....and hope that he does not have the bad side effects possible....pray for him....and love him.....and my mom. Cancer is an ugly word. I would not wish this on any family....least of all mine. I know that sounds kind of selfish....but it is honest. Again, I am thankful that I am a Christian....because Psalm 68:19 in the New International Bible tells me " Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. " I don't have to go through this alone. How do people do it who are not believers? I am glad I don't have to find out. I can truly say Happy Tuesday....because I have a loving Father.....and father.

My Reality Check Bounced!

Yesterday, I met my parents at the Cancer Center for the final consultation before beginning chemo. I was feeling pretty optimistic when we got there and were called back to wait in the room. Dr. Murphy came in and was pleasant as always......and I relaxed....after a brief question and answer period....and an explanation of squamish cell carcinoma....he moved us into the chemo area....to see what we were facing. He opened a door....and I felt my legs grow roots. There....looming in front of me was the chair that you sit in while the big green monster invades your body. I could barely breathe. They had my dad sit down and went over all the bad things that can happen to people who take chemo.....but don't always.....I did not hear that....all I heard was the bad. We then were ushered into the radiation area....for a simulated version of what was going to happen there. I looked at my watch and realized I had to return to school.....so I hugged my parents and left....only to physically bump into dr. Jahraus - the radiation oncologist. I looked in his gentle eyes...and came apart at the seams. He took me into a room...and talked with me about what was happening. I explained...this is my father....I am a daddy's girl.....I love this man with all my heart. He understood....and talked about God with me. Reality hit. Here I was....a professing Christian....and not trusting God at the moment. I was ashamed of myself. Later in the day he emailed me a scripture reference from Jeremiah. I opened my bible in the quiet of my house....and read these words: Jeremiah 29:11-13 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." I smiled as I finished the passage. Said a quiet prayer for my family.....and then....put on my big girl panties....because God and I are ready to deal with this....and no matter what the outcome.....I CAN, and I WILL seek Him continuously. God Bless the Doctors at the Cancer Center and all the patients that put their trust in them....they truly are blessings of God.