Daddy and What Would Have Been Chemo Number 6.

Well...today would have been chemo number 6 and instead I am going to the radiation oncologists office at 3:00 to learn our fate. Since my dad came home from the hospital, where he missed chemo's 4 and 5, he appears to have deteriorated rapidly. He is in bed by 4, does not eat supper, does not eat much of anything, looks like a P.O.W. and makes me want to cry. This is not my father. My father is a vibrant man. He is funny, a great storteller, a wonderful dancer, a fabulous father, a loving man, a good friend, a Christian....and this man that is living in my house right now...in what was my father's body is none of the above. This man is sad, he does not talk anymore, he hasn't danced in over a year, he is still a loving man....it just takes a lot out of him for him to give love.....and he has not been to church in I can't remember when. I don't remember my father missing church much as a child....it just was not accepted....but now...I don't think he even remembers what it is....or where it is. Frank and I were talking the other day and he told me that there may come a time when I will have to tell my dad it is ok to give it up....that I will take care of my mom....and it is ok to say goodbye and let go. I cried while he talked....I don't want to let him go.....but I don't want him this way either...so today....at 3:00 when we gather at Dr. Jahraus's office....I will find out what God has in store for me, for my dad, and my family. Pray for us. I don't think my dad can do this anymore. I don't want him to suffer. I love this man...but sometimes quality of life is better than quantity.