Well...today would have been chemo number 6 and instead I am going to the radiation oncologists office at 3:00 to learn our fate. Since my dad came home from the hospital, where he missed chemo's 4 and 5, he appears to have deteriorated rapidly. He is in bed by 4, does not eat supper, does not eat much of anything, looks like a P.O.W. and makes me want to cry. This is not my father. My father is a vibrant man. He is funny, a great storteller, a wonderful dancer, a fabulous father, a loving man, a good friend, a Christian....and this man that is living in my house right now...in what was my father's body is none of the above. This man is sad, he does not talk anymore, he hasn't danced in over a year, he is still a loving man....it just takes a lot out of him for him to give love.....and he has not been to church in I can't remember when. I don't remember my father missing church much as a child....it just was not accepted....but now...I don't think he even remembers what it is....or where it is. Frank and I were talking the other day and he told me that there may come a time when I will have to tell my dad it is ok to give it up....that I will take care of my mom....and it is ok to say goodbye and let go. I cried while he talked....I don't want to let him go.....but I don't want him this way either...so today....at 3:00 when we gather at Dr. Jahraus's office....I will find out what God has in store for me, for my dad, and my family. Pray for us. I don't think my dad can do this anymore. I don't want him to suffer. I love this man...but sometimes quality of life is better than quantity.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Daddy and What Would Have Been Chemo Number 6.
Well...today would have been chemo number 6 and instead I am going to the radiation oncologists office at 3:00 to learn our fate. Since my dad came home from the hospital, where he missed chemo's 4 and 5, he appears to have deteriorated rapidly. He is in bed by 4, does not eat supper, does not eat much of anything, looks like a P.O.W. and makes me want to cry. This is not my father. My father is a vibrant man. He is funny, a great storteller, a wonderful dancer, a fabulous father, a loving man, a good friend, a Christian....and this man that is living in my house right now...in what was my father's body is none of the above. This man is sad, he does not talk anymore, he hasn't danced in over a year, he is still a loving man....it just takes a lot out of him for him to give love.....and he has not been to church in I can't remember when. I don't remember my father missing church much as a child....it just was not accepted....but now...I don't think he even remembers what it is....or where it is. Frank and I were talking the other day and he told me that there may come a time when I will have to tell my dad it is ok to give it up....that I will take care of my mom....and it is ok to say goodbye and let go. I cried while he talked....I don't want to let him go.....but I don't want him this way either...so today....at 3:00 when we gather at Dr. Jahraus's office....I will find out what God has in store for me, for my dad, and my family. Pray for us. I don't think my dad can do this anymore. I don't want him to suffer. I love this man...but sometimes quality of life is better than quantity.
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6 comments:
Oh, sweet girl! My heart ahces for you. I cried as I read this. I cannot imagine what you are having to deal with, fortunaley. But you and I both know that God has great things in store. It may or may not be what we want, but there is a greater plan. Listen to the doctors. And listen to your heart and Pray. I will be praying with you. May God bring all of you great comfort and peace in HIs divine plan. And may your father be comforted in his illness.
Hugs. Sincere Hugs.
You are in my prayers.
Leigh
Oh Karen, I'm so sorry!
As you know, I'm in the same boat with my brother. I don't know how to let him go! He's ready...but I'm not!
All I can say is God is in control of this. He knew we would feel this way before we were even born.
He cjosee us to walk this road and learn from it.
Keep looking up!
((Hugs))
Jacki
I know your heart is heavy and I am so sorry for this ache you feel as you watch your Dad decline. The same love that gives us so much happiness can also break our heart when we see one we love suffer. I KNOW God will gift you with strength, understanding, and comfort exactly at the time you need it most. *Prayers being said for both your Dad and you, GF.*
Karen, I know this is the day after the doctor's visit. I only hope that it was not too hard to deal with. In a sense I know the feelings you are having. When my Momma was lying in the hospital bed and dying, I silently prayed to God to take her if it was not to be that she should get better. Shortly thereafter, the nurses rushed in and began to work with her. I knew that God had heard my prayer and was answering it. I miss her EVERY single day since she left over ten years ago. But those memories will be forever with me and under the circumstances, I would not bring her back to a life of pain, worry and having to be dependent on others. My Momma was the epitome of independence and it just did not fare well with her to depend on others.
God be with you, and He always is with His children, and let His comfort be with you.
So? What is up? Im Still praying.
I am so very sad for your family. My heart hurts for you every time I read one of these posts.
You are in my prayers every day.
Xazmin
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