Isaiah 6:8

8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Would the Real Me Please Stand Up

I was raised in a house by a mom with a mega A personality. I am a B. I hate conflict and will do anything to avoid it...(a carryover from childhood). I grew up with a miniscule amount of self-esteem. I never felt I was good enough, just could not measure up, was a failure, was not important, had nothing to say that anyone would want to hear. One day...when I was pregnant with Kathryn our preacher at the time, Rev. Mike Jones, told our Sunday School class that we were all going to teach a Sunday School lesson. "Not Me!" I thought silently to myself. I am not speaking in front of anyone! You are looking at the girl who used to throw up in a garbage can before singing a solo in CHURCH CHOIR! Well, as luck would have it I drew number 1 and was to teach the first lesson. I grumbled all week and honestly only gave it about 50% effort. I had not desire to teach Sunday School. I taught that next Sunday and then Brother Mike critiqued my lesson, pointed out its flaws, and told me to try again the next Sunday. Well...he made me so mad...I went home and thought, "I'll show HIM what a lesson looks like!" I worked all week on my lesson and gave it about 150% this time. On Sunday I delivered a great lesson, and during the week learned that I was selling myself short....I was supposed to be a Sunday School teacher...I have taught ever since...BUT...in this process, I found out that I was supposed to TEACH period. The next week I applied for a student loan...got it...and two weeks later started college to be a teacher. God certainly has a way of working things out. I was still terrified to speak in public...but my first instructor, Mrs. Barbara Campbell, made me feel so at ease...and then before I knew it...I was teaching....and loving it. I had a last found something I was good at, could succeed at, was meant to do...and no one else could make me feel less because of it! What a boost to my ego and self-esteem. I still had a lot of hurdles to overcome...and overcome them I have. I still have moments of self-doubt...but you know...I AM SOMEBODY! I have learned over the past ten years that I AM WORTHY of respect, I AM SPECIAL, I AM LOVEABLE, and I AM GOOD AT WHAT I DO! People listen to me...and God opened that door when I entered AUM. People who did not know me then...cannot believe me when I tell them how whipped I was...but I know what I used to be...I am living proof of the old me dying and the new me coming to life. Sometimes I can't imagine that I was once shy and introverted. Introverted? Me? Get Out of Here....but there once was a time I was...I was the queen of introverts....and sometimes...when I am feeling kind of vulnerable...the Introvert gets a hold of me and only then do I remember...that that was once me. I thank God daily for sending me Frank, who allows me to shine; for giving me Still Magnolias, who allow me to sing my heart out; for giving me the Arbor Praise Band, who allow me to sing my praises to A God who knew I could really be all I could be. My God truly is the Wind Beneath My Wings...and I love this feeling of soaring!

4 comments:

Mary said...

It is amazing the challenges we face, and the lessons we learn.
I am amazed at how much I have changed in the past 5 years!!
Great reflection!

Julie said...

OK love the new blog layout....

I'll be back to get caught up with you. Disappearing parents??? Hospice? Oh shit.

Hang in there, lady.

Beachbumaw said...

What an inspiration you are!!! This post really moved me. I pray every day that God will show me my calling. Although I'm almost 30, I don't quite feel like I've found it yet!! I know one day God will throw it on me like a ton of bricks and I'll never look back!!!

dana said...

Due to low self-esteem, I married a man who shared my view of myself. After 30 years of it, I lost my brother and it changed me for good. I decided if I was every going to BE happy, it was in my hands. No one else's. I jumped the fence, ran for the hills, and eventually saw some potential in myself.