Isaiah 6:8

8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I Miss You

Sometimes I feel that I have been orphaned because not only did my dad die....but during this process I have lost my mother's support because of dementia. My mom was a willing helper to me for so many years. She babysat my kids so that I could go to college. She helped me to grade school papers once I had begun teaching, and counseled me when I was angry or hurt. I don't know how I would have gotten through my divorce and empty nest syndrome with the love and support she and my dad gave me.  I have not always felt like I measured up in my mom's eyes....but as I am dealing with dementia....I her own way....she was proud of me....and you momma still expresses approval of me, but it is different.  Now I am not even sure she knows who I am. Her responses to my stories are warm and polite, but the spark of parental pride only shines through occassionally and usually that is when I sing for her. She knows I am someone special in her life....but every now and then.....and yesterday was one of those days she still knows that she has a daughter named Karen, a son-in-law named Frank, and a granddaughter named Kathryn.  I am  not always positive that she knows I am the person who is that daughter.  A few weeks ago....Frank and I got there to find her a twitter with anticipation.....she told us to hurry in and claim a seat because, "Karen was coming to sing."  I followed her in to the sun-room and sat down excited about hearing another Karen sing....she left Frank and me and began to pace the hallway watching for the expected singer.....when the nurse came to give her her medicine....she asked her why she was not visiting with us....and she told her that she was watching for the singing Karen.....and the nurse told her....Karen was already there.....she peeked around the corner, saw me, and disgustedly said, "Not her...the one who sings."....Well boys and girls....I am the singing Karen. I left the nursing home that day and cried all the way to Rock Mills. I have to be honest with you.....I am fifty-six years-old and I miss my momma.  Isaiah 49:15 (below) is full of rich comfort no matter what age we are when we lose our mother's care. Even as my mother fades from view I hear a beloved voice say, "I care. I provided the fall flowers that you arranged on your porch, and I stood by your side as you stepped back to view the work of your hands. I admired the beauty with you, and I am proud of the way My light shines through you."   When my mother was there for me, I often turned to her before turning to God....but yet,  He waited patiently to become my #1 confidant, and in the meantime He cared for me lovingly.  I am so glad because He has been my strength to get through and deal with cancer/dementia.  I can't imagine how I would have done this without Him.  Sometimes we have to get to a place where there is no one else to turn to before we can recognize that if we have Jesus, and He is all we need.  Yes, I miss my mom, but my heart's needs are fed through the Lord. He provides for me and will never leave me.  Everytime I go to see her...I feel Him standing right beside me.... Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! Isaiah 49:15  There will come a time when she won't remember me at all.....but God will not forget me....Happy Tuesday!


Mid-Atlantic Martha said...

Beautiful Karen -- just beautiful -- as you know, I've been down your same road.

Mimi said...

I'm so very sorry. My grandma suffered from dementia and it was a very hard time for all of us.

I will keep you all in my prayers.

Hugs & love,

Mary said...

My heart goes out to you, Karen. I just can't imagine how hard it is for you.

Edie Marie's Attic said...

Yes, God does want to be 1st in our lives and so often we turn to others we love. My mom had dementia too. We lost her in July and I was actually happy for her that she no longer had to live in that world of confusion. My mom did not give out approval to us and we were always looking for it from her. All the time it was God's approval that we should have been looking for... Now I feel more complete... but I miss her all the same. and always will til I see her again.
My heart cries with yours for what you're going thru Karen. My prayers are with you on this journey you are on.
Love & hugs, Sherry

Ms. Marty said...

Karen, you paint the most beautiful pictures with words. I know the loss of not having Momma around, but the memories still are as alive as if she were. This time of the year I really miss her since she left in November 1998. But the day will come when "all God's children get home."