Life Goes.....and it Sucks!

Just when I thought I had it all under control again....the rug was pulled out from under me. We had to take my dad off of Hospice care when we put him in assisted living...because that is assisted living rules. They cannot be part of Hospice upon entry...and after 30 days they can be placed on Hospice. So...we had to cancel Hospice....and pick up Home Health. What a pain. It is all the same building...just different parts....but all new paper work...what a headache. Anyways...today the Cancer called to tell me my dad had an appointment to discuss his P.E.T. scan and C.A.T. scan from last week...at 10:00...talk about lousy timing...if Peggy (the manager at the Meadows) could not take them....I was going to have to take yet another day off to deal with this. Sigh! I am glad I have a real understanding boss. An hour later the Cancer Center called back...after I had stewed about this new development for an hour...and told me we did not have to come. That depressed me tremendously....because it means there is nothing more they can do. They just wanted to make sure we went back to Hospice at the end of the 30 day period. My mind is racing....will we make 30 days? Are any of us guaranteed 30 days?....are we guaranteed one day? Sigh...I had a butt kicking reality check....my dad is dying and there is nothing I can do about it. We are all born to die....I know this in my head....but my head and heart are not on speaking terms at the moment. My heart is hanging on for that last little glimmer of hope. My head is taking this all very clinically....we are born, we pay taxes, we die...the end. Somewhere in between head and heart...is a wonderful path that I have walked with a very special man for 55 years. It is a path I have loved every step of. For those of you who are out there...hug those you love really good today, and be so grateful you have them with you....no matter for how long. If I have learned nothing from this experience I know now that life is what it is. It is not always good yet how you handle it makes you who you are. I went to see my parents at the Meadows today....just like I always do. My dad seemed out of sorts. He held my hand like a person who is drowning and needs to hang on to something. He kept looking me in the eyes...like he was trying to tell me something. I kept searching his face...looking for a clue. When I got ready to leave....I kissed him...twice today...and told him I would see him tomorrow....his response today was, "maybe." It took my breath away from me. I barely made it to the door befor I came unglued. I realized today...that he needs me to tell him it is ok for him to go. I cried all the way to the house. I don't want him to suffer...but I don't want to live without him either. One of my wants is not going to happen...and the bigger person would let him go...so I am practicing with you guys here tonight.....ok...here goes...."Daddy, I love you with all my heart...and it is ok to leave us when you get ready. I promise to take care of mama." Whew..that was hard...not as hard as telling him face to face is going to be...so please keep me in your prayers and thoughts that I can let him go without him knowing it is killing me inside. I love this man...I wish my own daughter had had a father like him. I am fortunate. God sent me Frank...who is the closest thing I have ever known to my father. NIght all and God Bless!