Isaiah 6:8

8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

Friday, September 4, 2015

Not Mine To Carry

When my 4 year old daughter broke her leg, Labor Day weekend in Knoxville we rushed to UT Hospital to see the only orthopedic in the area.  We waited for over 6 hours.  She cried and I felt like the worst mother in the world.  I wanted to hit somebody.....anybody.  When one of my three children scraped a knee or elbow, I grabbed them up, played mommy doctor and patched them up the best I could.  When Eric broke his arm while riding his bike I missed it.  It was over a week before I realized it was broken and not just hurt.  I could not have felt any worse if I had tried.  I have always been the one who handled stuff.  I am not usually one to let things go.  I want them taken care of immediately.  But...even though I try hard...I have come to the realization that some things are just not in my control. Some battles are not mine to win.  Some battles are just out of our league.  There is only so much I can my lifetime I have experienced the prodigal child and it has only been in the last year or so that I have seen the prodigal return home.  I could not be more delighted.  Seeing my children walk with God has been a major blessing in my life....but...their prodigalness (is that really a word?) was something I had no control over.  I have experienced a broken relationship.  There is nothing worse than seeing a marriage crumble and fall apart.  I took at vow..."til death to us part...."....and I meant it at the a young 20 year old.....but life hands you rotten lemons sometime and it is not easy to make lemonade.  I couldn't....and I realized....this was out of my control.  In a little over 18 months....terminal illnesses racked my world.  My dad died of Cancer, my mom had Alzheimer's and died, my favorite aunt died of cancer, my first cousin died.....and then Randy died.  I thought I would not make it.  I was not in control and had to realize just that.  I got a card with the Footprints story on it from a friend and realized that I was not carrying this....God was.  This week I found myself trying to carry something that was not mine to carry.  My dear friend, Beth...needed me....I thought.  Her husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and they called in Hospice all on the same day.  I adore Beth and her husband both.  I feel like he is my brother from another mother.....and I wanted to carry some of her burden....but she wouldn't let me.....and I came to realize it is not mine to carry.  I do not have the power to “repair” all that is going wrong in a loved one’s lives?  I cannot shoulder a burden that is not ours to carry?  I know my roll here is the encourager....but when your friend is hurting that is not an easy roll to take.  I want to be the protector....that is what I do when someone I love is hurting.....but....that is not my roll to carry.  My roll in this situation is that of a pray--er....not a fixer.  Giving up control is a tough thing for me to do.....but for right now....I must be content in my roll as a prayer intercessor....and trust G0d.  He has this I know.

This is what the Lord says: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast number, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 2 Chronicles 20:15

1 comment:

Xazmin said...

Realizing we can't always fix it is one of the hardest things to accept. I've missed you Karen! It sounds like I have a lot of catching up to do on your life. I've been away from blogging for quite awhile, but I never stopped thinking of my old blogging friends. :) Beautifully written, as always.